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January Update!!

It’s funny how much can change in a few weeks. We’re only two weeks into this new calendar year, and so much is going on, it’s nuts. There’s a lot going on personally, but even more so on the 9944 side. 

The biggest news? 
THE NEW STOVE HAS BEEN PURCHASED!

2015/01/img_0143-0.png

This may be more exciting than getting the refrigerator because so many things are now even closer to being real. The stove my mom and I had been looking at was on an amazing sale, and we had discounts on top of that. I guess the time, and price, were right. I’m still shocked and slightly nervous about this whole thing not being real, but I know it is. I have the bills to remind me! 

There’s something else that’s been quietly in the works that is now coming to light, and with the new stove, can finally take shape. This little ol’ blog is going to pick up, move, rebrand and do a whole mess of cool things that I wasn’t ready to do before. I am seriously so beyond excited for this, I can’t gather the right words. The next couple of months are going to busy with writing, designing and photographing some amazing recipes that I already have up my sleeve. I’m aiming for a March launch so it’s now officially “Crunchtime” because I’m saying this out loud to the masses. 

Kayla and I are still working on the logo for 9944 Confectionery.. and finding the right font, layout and colors is turning out to be much more difficult than either of us anticipated. Luckily we have similar taste and are hoping to figure out the best solution soon. It’s still exciting, no matter the fustration level. I’m going to be contacting the proper city office this week so I can make sure that all my ducks are in a row for the bakery. The county stuff is easy, it’s the city stuff that’s a little confusing because there’s no information online. Well, fingers crossed it goes smoothly. 

This may have been a relatively short update, but there are HUGE things coming and I could not be more excited. There’s a lot of unknowns, things that I’m unsure about, but I know they are all going to work out because I have some amazing friends and family to support me. 

Til next time!

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Well, that was an interesting year.

So, I haven’t been posting because things have been a little crazy, and updating a blog wasn’t anywhere near the top of my priority list. Since my last update in October, I’ve had to put the bakery development on hold for a bit because managing my own life took precedent. Doing this was, and still is, hard. A lot of the difficulty comes from seeing the dream you’ve been working toward be tabled because you can’t afford to work on it, or you don’t have time to think about recipes, or or or. After buying the refrigerator, we had to work on our house a bit, clean some things out, try to replace a door threshold while it was raining on and off (it’s still not fixed, but I’m loving the rain) and deal with some family things.

In the midst of Thanksgiving and Christmas preparations, one of my uncles broke his hip and another had a pretty bad stroke. That’s been a weird thing for reasons I would rather not discuss because I don’t see the need to air all of my family’s dirty laundry. I’ve been struggling financially because I don’t make very much, and when you have credit card bills and student loans to pay, you thank your lucky stars that you live at home with a mom who is okay with you not paying rent until you’re back on your feet or find a different, higher paying job. My logo design has been put on hold because the designer has had a death in the family and still had to finish the semester at school… but, we did get the refrigerator delivered! It was delivered on December 22nd and it’s the most beautiful thing ever. Who knew you could be this excited about an appliance… who knows what’s going to happen once we purchase the stove!

...still the same.

…still the same.

Other than that, I almost completed a Bikram Yoga 30 day challenge (24 days before my body said NO MORE), I’ve written another post for my friend Caitlin over at …and Possibly Dinosaurs which you can read here. I’ve gone to a few Long Beach State Men’s Basketball games and Los Angeles Kings games, went out to dinner with my mom, one of my best friends and her boyfriend on Thanksgiving, I saw the non-profit that got me through college with a purpose close their doors because having a US office is no longer needed (this is a good thing, promise), and cooked 7 dozen (and counting) enchiladas for over a dozen people for Christmas dinner. I think that’s it?

I just read this article from The Kitchn about New Year’s Resolutions in the the kitchen and I think I’m going to work on those things as well.. except the cooking class and hosting dinners. I’ll save those for 2016. I plan on cooking a lot more, writing a lot more (I own Caitlin at least 3 or 4 posts about food), and I really look forward to getting control of my own space, helping my mom make our house ‘hers’ instead of my grandparents and getting 9944 off the ground. There’s still a lot of leg (and arm and whole body) work to do, but I know that it’ll pan out and 2015 will be the year that this little baker gets her dream off the ground. There’s a few other things I’ll be working on throughout the year, but those are far more personal. Maybe I’ll write about them sometime, who knows.

Have a safe and happy New Year’s celebration, we’re still going to need you in 2015.

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9944

I honestly don’t remember learning to cook, to bake or to feel comfortable in a kitchen. I remember spending time next to my mom, my grandma and my aunts following along while they were making dinner, standing around talking about my day at school while dinner was being made, the first batch of cookies I made and how I fell in love adventuring with food and recipes while in college. I vividly remember a conversation I had with my Mom and Grandma when I was younger, telling them that we should have a family restaurant because our family is full of good cooks… I put that idea on the back burner for a long time, until the kettle it was in whistled louder than any other idea I’d had.

I finally took the leap in July to start my business. I posted a picture of my filed Fictitious Business Name paperwork on my Instagram, but other than that, I didn’t make a big deal about it. I was afraid that I would want to back out and not go through with a dream I’d held onto for so long. When I decided to start this blog, it was going to mostly be about the trials and tribulations that occur when you’re starting a business, but somewhere along the line I got distracted and made the choice to start writing about more personal things. This wasn’t a bad thing at all, just not my original intention (don’t worry, I’m totally going to write random posts about things.. especially if Brittany Gibbons continues to come up with writing prompts!). Yesterday I skyped with my friend Caitlin and told her that somewhere along the line, I started evading the idea of posting progress made toward starting my bakery; mostly because it would mean that I have evidence of what I’ve done and I’m accountable for it. It’s quite a scary undertaking and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to actually do it. We talked about it and I decided to throw caution to the wind and post about my progress.

IT'S HAPPENING

IT’S HAPPENING

In short, there it is. Each piece of that multi-colored pie is something that I still need to do to get this business off the ground. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but each step has a lot that goes into it. The diagram reminds me of a Trivial Pursuit game-piece, and I guess in a way that makes sense. It can be difficult to collect each little wedge to fill the pie, but those who do win, and I like winning. I’m nervous, and I’m scared, but I know I’ll be able to cross off a couple things in the next month or so, and I promise that when something gets crossed off, I’ll post about it.

On top of being nervous and scared, I’m also insanely excited. I have great friends who are more than willing to help me along the way. Kayla Ihrig is designing my logo, Caitlin is most likely going to help out with my website, people are signing up left and right to taste-test and I have support coming out of the woodwork. I think that’s part of the anxiety, I don’t want to risk letting these people down. I know, I know; if I don’t try, it’ll be a bigger let down than failing.

I’ve decided to start Autumn working towards the loudest whistling dream and taking a HUGE step forward in building the life I want because no one else besides me can do that. Here goes nothing.

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fat.

Fat.

I don’t remember the first time the word was said to me. I don’t know if I overheard someone saying it, using it to describe me, or if it was a self-directed jab.

I wish I knew.
I wish I knew where that feeling came from.
I wish I knew so that I could make it stop.

With the exception of when I was born and the few months after, I was never a small person. I was taller, I was bigger, I was faster, I was stronger. When I was younger, and sometimes still, I just wanted to fit in, to swim with the rest of the fish and not stick out. I wanted to wear the same clothes, to not feel like a fish out of water constantly.. and to not be in the middle of every class or team picture because I was the tallest. I just wanted to be in the front row and play shortstop, not in the middle of the back row and stuck out in the outfield because no one could hit that far, you know?

I was made fun of a lot growing up, but I never considered myself bullied, and I think that’s partly because people were just talk, they never put their words into actions because I was a head taller. There were some mean kids, and they said mean things, and I’m extremely lucky that I don’t remember a lot of it. I don’t know if I just pushed it from accessible memory, or if it was more self-imposed than anything.

In our culture, the word “fat” carries so many things. It carries strife and anxiety. It carries fear and self-hatred. It carries a feeling of inadequacy and self-loathing. I really don’t like it. In Spanish, when you’re called “Gordit@” as a kid, it’s more of a factual statement. Sometimes its even a term of endearment from your grandma, but in English… nope, not so much.

Being called fat did a lot of subtle damage, I’m finding. I’m still trying to get over and through my own struggles with my body and how it does, or doesn’t, work, and it’s hard. Very hard, actually. The one thing I have learned is that no matter how hard it is, taking even a tiny step forward and out of the shadow of a word is breathtaking in all the right ways.

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Good News!

Well, I’ve moved the blog over to WP, mostly because the ability to integrate it with sites I’ll be using more and more in the near future is much greater.

I’ve gotten a new laptop, so once I’m home from San Diego, so my blogging, writing and general internet prowess will be much better! I have quite a few things in the works, possible jobs, writing spots and insane goodness. I’m not keen on talking about things before they are for sure, so I’ll make sure to update whenever a new thing presents itself.

I’ve updated just about everything with my about.me link and my new blog address, but in case you’ve missed it, check here: http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/12050999/?claim=vv55e3s5ncu

Happy Wednesday. xo

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In the corner..

I spent a good portion of my night in a corner with these two hooligans:

After the men’s basketball won their last home game, Loren, Shefali and I headed to The Beach Club for dinner. I haven’t been out to dinner or drinks with many people lately. Working graveyard (and now not working) has kept me home to sleep or to save money, so tonight it was nice to have good girlfriends, good basketball, decent food and incredible jokes surround me. I don’t think I’ve laughed as hard as I did tonight. 
Long Beach, the CSULB campus and the Walter Pyramid are my homes away from home. It’s where I feel comfortable, where a lot of things make sense, and where I really grew up. It’s where I’ve laughed, cried and stayed up learning life’s secrets with my friends til the sun comes up. I truly love this city and all it has to offer. I can’t wait for the day that I move back. 
It’s beautiful, isn’t it? 

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Re-directing.

I never thought this blog would become one where I talk about what’s going on in my head, or what plagues me at a certain point. Over the last few months, I’ve realized that in order for me to open up and grow and move past some things, it has to. I have to learn to open up because I’m too old to continue building the Great Wall around me. I’ve seen what that does to people, how they become cold and bitter and that’s the last thing I want. 

So I guess here come The Fear Diaries. At least for a little while.